Best football Christmas jumpers 2020 - Premier League ranked
Forget the actual football, this is the only Premier League table which really matters right now. Obviously.
‘Tis the season to be jolly. More importantly, it’s also the season for outrageous Christmas jumpers.
This has become a tradition as deep-rooted as rubbish games of charades and left-over turkey sandwiches, because apparently everyone in that Bethlehem stable was wearing an ugly sweater of some kind. It’s obviously a key part of every great Nativity story, especially if it’s got a huge Leeds United crest slapped in the middle of it.
Nobody’s arsed with actual trophies anymore, since having the best Christmas jumper is clearly what every great club dreams of these days. Well, maybe not Burnley, Crystal Palace and West Brom, who’ve all signed up to the Grinch Club by not producing one at all this year. Bah humbug, indeed.
For the others, however, we’ve put together the most nail-biting title race since Sergio Aguero seriously ruined 2012 for every single United fan. Hold onto your sprouts, this is the Premier League table, ranked by how good the official Christmas jumpers are. Yeah, you could carve the tension like a fat, juicy turkey.
17. Leicester City
Okay, so we all know why Leicester City have gone for a massive fox head, but this just looks like something I could pick up in Burton - it might as well have roll-neck, to be honest. The sad truth is it just doesn’t seem very Christmassy, but I guess you could still buy one if you’re into really boring sweatshirts. Yawn.
16. Tottenham Hotspur
Sorry, Spurs. I’m marking you down because you’ve completely ignored the puns staring you right in the face. Sticking a Spurs hat on Santa Claus is all well and good (if a little lazy), but there’s so much more that could’ve been done around Candy Kanes and Moussa Siss-snow-cones.
Sigh. I’ll see myself out.
15. Manchester City
There’s not a whole lot wrong with this Christmas jumper. Mind-bending pattern? Check. Christmassy colours? Check. Adorable little penguins I just want to cuddle for a while? Double check.
Unfortunately, both Manchester City and Aston Villa have been marked down for one very important reason: their jumpers are pretty much exactly the same. Both clubs get a pretty terrible D- for creativity here, and that’s me being generous.
=15. Aston Villa
Right then, time for a festive game of spot-the-difference. Aston Villa’s jumper has exactly the same colours and adorable penguins as the City one, but the sections with club detailing have obviously been changed.
A Villa jumper saying “CITY CITY CITY” wouldn’t exactly go down well, so at least some stuff has been changed a bit. Still, you aren’t getting higher than 15th if you copy each other’s homework. Naughty.
Ah, yes. Nothing says Christmas quite like a deep shade of black. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and definitely not a little scared for my life.
There’s just something really disturbing about happy little elves used in a jumper apparently themed around death. Shudder. Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the reindeer playing golf with a candy cane - even if it looks like he’s on the moon for some reason.
Meh. They might be irresistible out on the pitch, but Liverpool are downright mediocre where it really counts. Their Christmas jumper isn’t the worst out there, but it’s also duller than James Milner sipping on his Saturday night glass of Vimto.
I guess if you stick “You’ll Never Walk Alone” on something, plenty of people will always buy it. Still, a knitted Jordan Henderson lifting the Premier League trophy (obviously while dressed as Santa), would’ve gone down so much better.
11. Manchester United
You could argue teams that play in red are at an unfair advantage here, but they always run the risk of looking like every other Christmas jumper ever made. On a completely unrelated note, here's Manchester United’s effort.
Sadly, an opportunity to dress Ed Woodward up as the Grinch has been inexplicably missed here. I would’ve also taken Marcus Rashford as the Messiah or Fergie the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Someone at United better be taking notes here.
10. Newcastle United
Hmm, clubs that play in black really are a little stumped when it comes to Christmas jumpers. If you ask me, the club founders really should’ve considered something this important when deciding on their home colours. Maybe they should be The Cardinals, not The Magpies (#BirdKnowledge).
Putting aside the incredibly festive gothic theme, Newcastle have done a decent job with that ludicrous pattern. Chuck an enormous club crest on top of everything, and there’s really no excuse for Steve Bruce not to wear this on the touchline. It’s exactly what the world needs.
9. Brighton & Hove Albion
Yeah, this is just like the Newcastle jumper, but just a little happier. The miserable shades of black have obviously made way for blue, it’s just a shame that cheeky little seagull hasn’t been given some form of Santa hat.
That’s the secret to Christmas, after all. Just take whatever you can and stick a Santa hat on it. At the very least, you’d go with “Have a Murray Christmas” somewhere, because I refuse to believe I’m the only person who enjoys rubbish puns.
I’ve got absolutely no idea why this isn’t smothered in gold, though I’ve never been too bothered about any frankincense and myrrh. I’d like to think that’s a bearded Raúl Jiménez down on the pitch there, having a little kickabout in a golden Santa suit for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Oh, can we please take a moment to appreciate the little message on that banner, too? That really is a lovely little touch, even though something in Portuguese might be more apt these days.
7. Sheffield United
Sheffield United have actually released two cracking Christmas jumpers this year, a red one and a black one. Both receive bonus points as they’re raising money for charity, but I’ve actually gone against all common sense and backed the black one here.
Why? Because of the GIANT blades, of course. Not just because it sets apart from most other designs, but because there’s nothing more festive than a pair of giant swords. Obviously.
Here we go, then. The key to my heart. Just give me a jumper that turns me into a giant head on a teeny-tiny Santa body, and I’m yours. That is all.
5. Leeds United
A yellow Santa Claus flying over Elland Road against a starry night sky, with the words “LEEDS UNITED” printed proudly in the snow. Hell, throw in that statue of Billy Bremner, and you’ve got a jumper dripping in club culture.
Call me crazy, but something tells me Leeds are quite proud of their club right now. Not a bad attempt at all, really.
Now we’re talking. Everton have gone for the traditional ugly pattern, but then slapped in a crowd of people cheering (or possibly jeering) Old Saint Nick. Of course, his trailing banner inevitably claims “Santa Is a Blue”, though I’ve never seen any evidence to really support that claim. Lies.
If you look closely, you’ll see that the players striking the ball are actually wearing tiny Santa hats. Genius. The lads at Goodison Park really know what they’re doing.
This Christmas jumper taught me something very important: “Last Christmas” is an infinitely better song when you stick Ralph Hasenhüttl into the lyrics. I’ve not got a clue if they’ve bought the rights to that song and, quite frankly, I couldn’t care less. Someone at Southampton deserves a pay rise.
I’m currently working on a petition for the squad to release this as a Christmas single. Don’t you worry about that.
2. West Ham United
Alright, so it’s a joke you’ve heard a million times before, but “I’m forever blowing baubles” never fails to force a grin. West Ham’s traditional claret and navy also look particularly smart, with a beautifully mental pattern which includes (*clears throat*): snowmen, gingerbread men, Santa hats, presents, reindeer and, of course, hammers.
It’s a big YES from me. Besides, who doesn’t fancy a new hammer for Christmas?
Wow. Just wow. There’s really not an awful lot to say here, Arsenal have honestly knocked this out the park. It’s almost as if the original “bruised banana” shirt was created just so they could make a cracking jumper 29 years later. In fact, I refuse to believe otherwise.
This has got the Gunners (quite literally) written all over it, without falling into the common trap of smacking a big fat crest on it. This is up there with the best football Christmas jumpers ever, and I honestly don’t say that lightly. You all know how seriously I take this.
Arsenal are the champions by quite some distance here, but every single one of these jumpers will make a cracking Christmas present. If you want your loved ones to have a great Christmas, then buy one.
If not, then don’t bother. I’m not here to judge you. Just the jumpers.